niaboc45

I'm such a bum! Still no job, still just living off someone else's dime, but I don't feel so bad about it. Its not like I'm asking for handouts (I've made it a point not to ask my parents for any money; except for downpayments for next semester). I just eat rice and drink tea. I could probably buy what I'm eating for 2 months at a minimum of cost. The car, on the other hand, I have to work for. I look at craig's everyday for odd jobs which added together with a little from my savings should keep me afloat until June and summer school. Unfortunatly, first session of summer school offers very little in the history department that I need(I have plenty of US History courses) so i might end up not taking that session at all. Bummer. I wanted to.

I hope I'm able to go to Mississippi in a week and a half. We'll have to see how things work out. Maybe I'll just make the drive.

Drama sucks, but if you work through it and talk it out, it doesn't have to ruin your day. Oneonta was a little rocky at first, but we all pulled through; I saw all my friends, and subsequently had good times. Lindsey and I put together a puzzle we got at a rummage sale  (all the pieces were there) on saturday and walked to college camp on Sunday. It was anice day, we talked the whole time :).

Steve, Greg, Frank, and I went to the Pub on Friday night and heard some bands. I got kinda drunk, but it was a happy drunk, not a puking drunk so all was well.


Peace

Wow, its been two weeks...

So I'm scrambling to ensure that SAV is on solid footing before I leave Oneonta for a while next week. I got the new adviser situated, and the budget is finished, but I'm still worried about the upcoming events; you know, getting them advertised and such. Hopefully Brandon and Frank will be able to work together and make it all work. And the new Secretary, Lindsey, is awesome. She's really on the ball. ANd she's got a sense of humor; so no worries-it'll all work out.

But I'm bailing on Oneonta for a couple months, and I'm for the most part allright with it. I'm going to miss my friends, and I'm definatly going to miss meeting new people. This last year, I've met so many people. New people, every week, its awesome. And then there are the twenty people I went to Mississippi, who i will never forget. Mississippi was one of the best weeks of my life. I cannot imagine spending a week doing anything more worthwhile, and having as much fun doing it! I think that was the catalyst for my break - I felt vital and alive down there. Then I come back here, and I'm nothing. I sloth around doing nothing I really care about. Its the same feeling that hits me in AUgust of every year, coming off working at camp. When I'm in Oneonta, I only seem to care about my friends, SAV, and my job. So why pay for school?

I need to remember what its like to care about my work. To be proud of it and be willing to sign my name to it. Time to leave for a while. Maybe change back to history, something I've always had a natural disposition for. Then There's the forest rangter school in cuse. Then there's the Kerouac side of me who just wants to run, go on the road, see whats out there. Maybe in May.



Cool weekend coming up, then I'm out of here.

Peace.

How is it Sunday already? This sucks, I want more time off.

Friday was pretty pointless, though i did go to all my classes. Saturday I went home, ended up going to Salvation Army with my bro. He got some hot corduroroy jeans and i got some levis for Mississippi. My mom made me brownies; they're pretty good. Saturday night I went to the Autumn alone, expecting to meet some people I knew. I was disappointed, I only knew one guy and he was in the band. I got thorougly toasted alone and missed the bus i wanted back to campus, so i ended up springing for a cab with some girls at the bus stop. They were further gone then i was but were cool. I had the driver drop me off at higgins and I chilled with chuck and steve for a while.

Today i went to see vigina monologues with Mike C., because his girlfriend Sarah is in it and Mike didn't want to go alone. It was ok, some parts were a bit self-indulgent to women and I had no interest in whatsoever, though other parts had something cool to say. I must say, it gave me some more insight on women. Maybe we're all doing the best we can, considering the circumstances. Its a bum deal no matter how you look at it so you've just got to see through the bullshit, survive intact, and be true to yourself. Advertisers, your friends, your parents, all try to tell you what you want, but they can't know. They've been lead their whole lives to believe that the American Dream is a shared dream, a universal constant for which we all strive. Material comfort. It's hard to think differently, to see through and see the real cost. This is not a two for one sale. When you sit on a chair made of the finest oak, that's one less oak in our forrest. When you turn on the TV, your burning fuel and your grandchildren will be breathing the fumes.

Well fuck, I started my comp 200 essay on the american dream without intending too.


Peace.

I just missed my shift at the helpdesk. I totally forgot, probably cause i was high. fuck. i was doing so well too, a lady i helped even brought in lemon squares.

Im kinda glad i can blame my achedmic downfall on something other then my total lack of modivation. dude man, its the alcohol and drugs, not my own personal shortcomings.

I'm blowing it out of proportion, everything will be cool. I'll graduate from college, buy a house, take a wife, and work in a cubical for the rest of my life. What could be wrong with that. ah but I want more. Not money, not fame. I want peace. I want to expand my consciousness. I want to be satisfied. I'm never satisfied. All I can seem to manage is to get messed up so i can be some sort of wounded hero, or martyr. Surviving against all odds, a wreck, somehow surviving. Too weird to live, too rare to die.

Maybe i'm just desperate for writing fodder

Not that it would ever get published


Slitting my throat is all i ever...

Skipped class on Monday; all of them. Its not like i did anything instead though. I didnt go to chicago, eat in a fancy restraurant, or sing twist and shout during a German parade. I'm really falling behind in my classes and the readings are all fucking me up. I don't have the concentration for this shit. I wonder if the Army needs free thinkers...

Tuesday I worked and developed a sore throat. Senate was fucked up and boring, we got hung up on passing this diversity statement. I didn't vote for it, but i didn't vote against it either. I just felt like you can't really regulate diversity, especially for the faculty. Diversity is meeting new people, you can't get a class on it. Unless, of course, diversity is an old wooden ship. I just noticed, that you can't spell faculty without cult. hmpf. It was valentines day, and i realized its the first one in 3 years that ive been alone for; but i'm cool with that. I gota get off women for a while, they just fuck me up. They either dont want anything to do with me, call incessantly, or have the most dull and pointless conversations. For example: I was fixing computer for a girl the other day. As I was sitting there doing a repair install, her friends walk in and they're discussing the arrangement of roomates for the quad they're getting in the fall. No one will come out and say who they wanted to be roomates with. They talked for an hour about how they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by saying who they'd prefere their roomate to be, and resolved to do it randomly. They drew names from a hat, and then drew again, and again, because someone wasn't happy. I don't think I even got a thankyou for that housecall and i deserved it for sitting through all that shit...

But I guess I can't generalize. Some women are ok, but it seems like the ones who are ok act more like guys then girls. Why can't people just state how they feel? Why can't people not let little shit bother them? I guess thats a common problem for both men and women, and i shouldn't discriminate.

"Dude, my dad owns a dealership."


Whatever, its a beautiful day, my throat feels better, I'm going to class smiling.


PEACE!

So yeah.

Saturday night was awesome. Went to the pub with the the guys and the girls from upstairs in higgins. Cool band was playing, Herbie, and I drank enough so i wasnt soo self conscious. Was even dancing a bit.

The rest of the weekend was weird. Meh. whatever.

I bought a bass for $30. I'm thinking about changing my name to Steve and moving to scandinavia. Ah, a land where grunge lives. fuckin' a.

If your band needs a bassist, I'm up for it. But i refuse to be part of any band which would have me as a member.

So I was pretty drunk when i posted that last message. No big deal, i think i was listening to something depressing.


Its Tuesday. I went home on Sunday to be with my bro for the super bowl, i was so tired though that i slept through the 2nd and 3rd quarters. Boring game.

Today was busy, but I'm for sure going to Mississippi for February break. The SA voted to give $4000. I think I've finally experianced pork barrel legislation first hand. woohoo.

I should be reading but I'm installing Doom 3. Go figure.

So i guess I missed groundhog day on Thursday. I wasn't even conscious of the date. I guess I was busy, Thursday consisted of work, 9-12, then I ment to read Uncle Tom's Cabin before I had the class at 4pm. It never really happened. I love to read, but it just didn't happen. I think I ended up listening to music, watching DS9, and playing on my new computer. Computers are supposed to make work easier, but all they seem to do is make it harder to concentrate on work. So I went to the class without reading a lick. Nothing makes a class as boring as when you cannot contribute to the discussion. It blew. I think I ate and then headed up for the SAV (students' alternative voice) meeting. Brandon was there, no one else was. I was very disapointed because the last meeting we had 6, which is a good number. Regardless, Brandon and I made fliers for the movie showing next Wednesday of Wal-Mart, the high cost of low prices. It didn't take long, and since I had to work 9-11pm and didn't feel like walking back to my room, I went to the library and availed myself to their color printing technology to produce wanted posters for SAV's bulletin board. Tom Delay has never looked so beautiful. I worked at the helpdesk, which means I just sat there with my feet up, looking up random things on wikipedia. I came back to the room to same roaring TV I always do; unilaterally turning it down and going to bed.

On the road
Bid modern life ado
Where goes the toad
When he vanishes from view

Where there is no tomorrow
When there is no destination
Time is merely something borrowed
Escape your worries and frustration

Your clothes are dirty
Your hair is unkempt
A state of blissful poverty
Show authority your contempt

I gaze to the west
I know I am dispossessed

If you've stumbled here to my livejournal by accident, you might want to just move along. Nothing to see here. This journal is for abstract thoughts and feelings which I sometimes have the urge to write down and also wish for others to see. Feel free to comment, I guess.

Peace.